***** CONTENT WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS REFERENCES TO MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES AND MARIJUANA USE *****
My life is a struggle right now. Not in an “I’m riding the struggle bus today” way, but in an “I’m at the back of the struggle bus and it’s driving itself around in circles and I don’t know how to get off” way. I suffer from several mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, insomnia, trichotillomania, and – a recent revelation – disordered eating. Since the COVID-19 pandemic began, my long-term progress took a giant step backward. A change in meds helped, as did weekly virtual visits with a therapist. In January, I left my job of almost seven years to focus on myself for a while; my deal with my husband was five months and then I’d look for new work. It’s now been eight months and I am no closer to finding employment. The anxiety of job-hunting has now been added to all the regular anxiety, and it’s left me feeling pretty depleted. By the time I spend all morning applying for jobs, I’m so exhausted that I often take afternoon naps to recharge. That plus my everyday responsibilities – laundry, grocery shopping, dog walking – hasn’t left much time or energy for blogging.
I do write most days, for as long as I can, but it’s difficult to focus. I start pieces but can’t concentrate for long enough to complete anything. I have tons of new ideas, but nothing seems to gel. I smoke weed to relax, but if I have too much, writing goes out the window and I go back to my Criminal Minds binge (as is my custom lately, I started a post titled “Creepiest Criminal Minds Unsubs”, but I haven’t been able to finish it). Then, of course, I feel guilty because I haven’t given y’all new content. Planned posts for Labor Day, Roald Dahl Day, and Stephen King’s 75th birthday still sit in my drafts alongside Criminal Minds.
It wasn’t helping that it still felt very summery in southwestern Michigan. But a few days ago, a cold front came through – just in time for the first official day of fall. I happily put on a hoodie and ran around the yard with the dogs. I busted out the Founders KBS (if you know, you know). I watched When Harry Met Sally…, one of my autumnal film favorites. And I still don’t have a job, but I’m working on it. Obviously, that doesn’t help pay the bills, but hubby and I have cut some corners, and we’re managing. All I really want to do is write, and I’m still hopeful I can find a way to make some money at it. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I remain committed to offering y’all the best content I can, even if I’m unable to publish as often as I’d like. Thank you all for your continued support and encouragement, and please stay tuned.